How am I doing?

I get asked this question a lot. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the question, I just don't often get the chance to elaborate very much. Here's the answer most people have heard.

"I'm doing fine, considering the circumstances. I enjoy being around people, though."

Here's me elaborating.

I'm actually doing really well considering the circumstances, from what I can tell. I'll admit, there's been a time or two where I've been a little "down in the dumps", but, it hasn't led to depression. I still get sad at what some people would call the "slightest things" and I miss some things that could be deemed "inconveniences" in some people's eyes, but, sadness is not a problem. Some of things I miss include walking in the door at night and seeing Mom or Larissa rocking Timmy to sleep in the Laz-Boy chair when I arrive home at 10-11 at night from work, having to wait at the table for someone to finish putting Timmy to sleep or put the last of his food in him, hearing him puking, or hearing Mom or Dad go "How are we going to make this work?" when something had to be worked out with Timmy's feeding, med, or sleeping schedule. Another thing I'm guilty of is looking back through photos of Timmy on my phone frequently, once or twice during a lull in class. I have so many good photos of him doing silly things or hanging with his older brother, and I enjoy looking back sometimes and doing some reminiscin'.

Another thing I've heard is that I'm doing really well, or my family is doing well. While I can't speak %100 for my family, I can for myself. I'll share a couple things that have kept me going strong(ish).

1) Amazing people - I have so many amazing people in my life that are being super supportive at this time. I have seen...

...friends,

family,

Panera coworkers,

JCC coworkers,

teachers,

and past coworkers...

...reach out and be an encouragement and support. I have a couple really good friends who study at school with me, workout with me, and have even met with me just to be a companion or chat with me about how I am. I have been blessed with some really phenomenal people in my life who have come forward and been a support and offered assistance in this last bit of time.

Bouquet of flowers in memory of Timmy from Panera family.

2) God's word - I've had the blessing of hearing so much from God's word. Whether directly through reading, a message from Dad or my Uncle, a Bible study with a friend, or some good music. Right after I found out about Timmy, I got together with two friends for a morning Bible study, and one of my friends took me to Psalm 34, and directed me to verse 18.

"The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."

This verse gave me some hope that morning, and, oddly enough, my Uncle took our church to Psalm 34 that Sunday evening to the beginning of the chapter. Verse 1 caught my eye and provoked my thoughts.

"I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth."

Odd, that this chapter of God's word should be an encouragement to me so much. You could call it coincidence, but, a young friend said something tonight that sums up how I feel about this "coincidence".

"Sometimes "coincidence" is actually God's providence."

I like that reminder, not just because it makes me "feel good", but because it's true.

I hope these words are an encouragement to you and gave you an insight into how I'm actually feeling.