Remembering, mourning, and celebrating.

One year has never felt so long and so short at the same time. I realize people say this frequently, and I've even said it before, but this time it's different. A year ago right now I was just getting home from a long close at Panera and wondering why the lights were still on in my house. Grandma and Grandpa were not normally the people to stay up until 11 o'clock at night. Regardless, I sort of forgot about this oddity as I parked my car and headed inside. I locked the door behind me and took my shoes off before heading to the living room. My curiosity was piqued again when I saw my sister still awake. When Grandma asked me to sit down, I knew something was wrong. Timmy had been admitted to the hospital two days ago for some swelling and discoloration, and I assumed it would be the same as before where he would come back and get back to health soon. As I sat down and saw my Grandmother's face, I figured that this was probably not the case. Grandma proceeded to tell me that my brother had passed away earlier that afternoon.

*sigh*

I had never felt emotions like that before. I was unbelievably calm at the moment, and for the first time in my life I was stunned. Not speechless, as I continued to talk to my Grandparents, but I was stunned. It didn't feel real, which was also a first for me. I didn't cry, not because I was trying to be "macho" or anything, but because I was confused, and I typically can't cry (I can only remember crying twice in my life). I don't remember how long we talked, but I want to say it was about an hour or so. I went to my room, but I didn't sleep. I texted a good friend, I'm not exactly sure why. Part of me didn't want to be alone (another new feeling for me), and I guess I still didn't feel like I was awake or in reality. I've got to say, this friend was such an encouragement to me that night, despite the late hour. After chatting with her for a while I opened my laptop and began writing and reading my Bible (https://hadleyal01.wixsite.com/blessingsindisguise/post/why-how-what-to-do). I read, studied and wrote for three or four hours at the least before finally laying down around three o'clock. I had school in the morning, as well as coffee with a friend, so I got up at five to read my Bible and get up for the day. Here's the odd thing, as previously mentioned I had a coffee meeting set up with a friend who wanted to talk to me about life, and mainly my brother in the hospital. I was still trying to figure out how to tell her that he died, but the friend that I texted the night before had let her know and the three of us decided to get together for prayer and a devotional. If you want to deny God's providence, explain why I already had that meeting set up before I knew about this situation. That meeting meant the world to me. It was the first time in my life I didn't mind giving or receiving a hug. I'll tell you, it was awkward as the two of them cried while I wasn't. There are times I wish I could cry, but I can't figure it out, so I guess it's just not meant to be. I made it through the day, made several more people cry, felt more awkward, and got home after fulfulling my duties at school as quickly as I could.

The next few days were a blur, but one thing that I noticed was that I hated being away from people. I would stop at Panera on my way to and from school just to chat with coworkers and managers because I didn't like being away from people. It was a miracle to watch people support us. I'm sorry to say I don't remember everyone's deeds of kindness, but I was blown away as family, friends, coworkers, and church family gathered and showed my family love. My General Manager came to the viewing hours to show support to me, my sister and our parents. The other managers let me know that whatever time off I or my sister needed we just had to speak and it was ours, as well as volunteering to do anything else we needed. Countless friends offered to listen to me ramble about my circumstances. My college english teacher showed up to the viewing hours, I received a personal email from the president of my college sending condolences and releasing from my duties as student trustee for the next while. My physics professor made special study sessions with me and offered to help with anything my family needed, despite not knowing my family. My circuits professor adjusted rules I didn't know could be adjusted for exams to help me get enough time to study for my exams.

The day of the funeral began rather calmly. There was fresh snow falling and we left home to get to the church where the funeral was held very early. I practiced my guitar and got ready for my duet with Dad. We sung "To God be the Glory" (slightly modified) together and I've got to say that that was by far my favorite "performance" (there's got to be a better word for that, because I wasn't performing, but honoring God and my brother), despite having played in bigger and "better" settings. I can't see anything topping that, whether I get better at guitar or not. I read my letter to Timmy (https://hadleyal01.wixsite.com/blessingsindisguise/post/my-letter-to-timmy) and didn't feel like I was in front of anyone. All I could see was my brother while reading that. Uncle Donald gave a message that emodied our feelings about the topic; a message that glorified God and honored Timmy in a Godly fashion.

Psalm 9:1 - "I will praise thee, O Lord, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works."

This verse was the theme of Timmy's life, and captured and explained everything, including our desire for ourselves and others. We wanted to make sure that Timmy's life brought glory to God and showed his marvellous works, and that others knew about those works.

After the service I joined my parents and greeted people as they left. Before the funeral home took my brother's casket away, the casket that my Dad made for him, my parents, siblings, and one set of grandparents went in to say our goodbyes. Us children were encouraged to write a letter or put a coloring photo in the casket. I placed my letter in, and got ready to say goodbye. My Dad took his Bible, his preaching Bible, and laid it in the casket and made the comment that I will never forget.

"He did more preaching than I will ever do"

I cried for the first time in many years, making it the second time I remember crying. That statement was true, and many lives had been affected by Timmy's life, and the miracles God had worked in and through his life.

Right now I'm sitting in my dorm room, surrounded by a couple awesome roommates, scrolling through pictures and videos of Timmy, and reflecting. I received a picture of Timmy in the mail yesterday with a note from Mom, making my week. This morning I received a text from one of my friends here on campus letting me know that she was praying for me and my family. I only briefly brought up this topic once, so I'm shocked she remembered what today (or yesterday, by now) was. Only a very small handful of my campus friends know about this. My one roommate checked on me earlier, and he and his sisters gave me some encouragement. This day has mixed emotions, but I'm enjoying remembering. In a little bit I'm going to play a little bit of guitar, and enjoy remembering the little one who once helped me strum my strings.

Alright, I've mentioned pictures once or twice, so it's only fair. :-)

The only person I've declared "cute" while sleeping. :-)

Last major family photo.

Big and Little Bros

The owner of the best smile.....

....in case you needed an "Exhibit B"....

Larissa will kill me for this, but it's the cutest picture I own. :-)

....and of course, another one of us. :-)

Okay, that's the last one.....

Praying everyone is having a good day, and that those of you who have memories with Timmy will take a small moment to think about him. Credit of about half of these photos go to Dad and his website. If you want more photos, feel free to swing by https://theheartoftimmy.blogspot.com/ for more great moments and photos. :-)

Here's the gold nugget of the day.......

A little blurry, but that's alright. :-)

For the record, it's three times now....