Why, How, What to do?

Why would someone so young die? How do I carry on emotionally and spiritually? What do I do with the circumstances I've been placed in?

These are a few of the million questions zipping around my mind tonight as I try to step back and think..... as I try to convince myself that the situation is real, and that I do need to get into the moment so that I can help my family out..... as I try to form some idea of a thought, or figure out what I feel like. I probably should be thinking, but, my brain feels over-sized and unable to compute anything real or tell itself to shut down, so, I find myself writing. With writing, I can at least form a goal. I want to make a little bit of sense of everything for myself. More importantly, I want to help others with their sorrowing and struggling, and, most importantly, I want to bring glory to God, who, ultimately is in charge of these circumstances, despite their bleakness and terrifying power. Isaiah 41:10 lays out this reason not to fear.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

Another place that breeds encouragement of God's strength is Psalm 91.

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.

Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.

He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.

Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;

Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.

A thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand; but it shall not come nigh thee.

Only with thine eyes shalt thou behold and see the reward of the wicked.

Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation;

There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.

Thou shalt tread upon the lion and adder: the young lion and the dragon shalt thou trample under feet.

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name.

He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

With long life will I satisfy him, and shew him my salvation.

This poem is full of the assurances that we have from God about the control he has over us and the desire he has to keep us safe (please don't confuse safe with invincible, we will always pay a price for our decisions, because actions have consequences).

Similar to the style of many of the Psalms, I'm going to leave some thankfulness in this post. It also goes with the season, no? I will start with some of the things I wrote in my thankfulness journal that a good friend encouraged me to start, and then I will finish with more. Bear with me, but, this is going to be the way that I keep myself sane. Without something to be thankful for, there will be no joy. Perhaps this is one of the reasons I'm not in a puddle, but, I'm not sure. I just think that thankfulness should be able to help me in whatever my emotional struggle ends up becoming. You won't recognize all the names because this is straight out of my journal, but, you'll get the point. Well, here goes a list of some of what I'm thankful for today (or yesterday, as the case is currently).

I am thankful for......

The time God gave me with Timmy.

The smile he always seemed to have on his face.

The way he brought people together.

Those who worked in his life.

Those whose lives he affected with his amazing personality and strength.

Professor Nowling, who has shown sympathy and offered to help a family he doesn't know.

Sidney, who somehow knew I would need a friend tomorrow.

God, who told Sidney I would need a friend.

Mike, who has offered help and condolences.

Scott, who sympathizes and gives words of encouragement to help I and Larissa whenever we need it, especially tonight.

Kaylee, who worked a back-to-back shift so that my sister could go home.

Kayla, who made sure I understood that I was not to worry about Senate, and offered help.

There's a start, anyway. A thankful mindset definitely helps out right now. I'm going to get to the questions now.

1) Why would someone so young die?

This question, for me, seems to have two answers. One is easy, the other much more in detail and complex.

Simply put, God called Timmy from this world to a place where he is now doing much better.

More specifically, death occurs and instills pain in those affected. Pain is a result of sin. Argue it was one man's (or woman's) mistake that brought pain to us, yet, we all sin when we have the choice to be free and live for God. Man had free will and man chose his way instead of God's way. As a result of that sin, pain, death, hard work, and trials were the immediate and long-lasting "reward". Sin pollutes the world, and perfection does not exist short of God. One day, for those who choose God as the leader of their life, perfection can be achieved. In Romans, God gives us a way out of sin.

“That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.”

There is a way out of this mess of sin that we've made, and it comes from something small, yet challenging. We have to believe that God raised his Son from the dead and then pronounce to God that belief. Clear and simple, yet few do it.

Essentially, Timmy died because he had fulfilled God's plan for him on earth, and God was ready for him to come home. Hard to grasp, but, the truth.

2) How do I carry on emotionally and spiritually?

Believe it or not, the latter of this pair seems the easiest for me right now. I will spiritually continue on the way I have. I've been taught the truth of God's word, and I've chosen to believe it. I will continue to believe in it. If I choose to abandon what I call "truth", then my "belief" is nothing more than a "good-ride fantasy". My beliefs need to be sure, and they need to affect my actions. If I choose to run a 5K and tell people I'm going to be number one, that's all fine and dandy. No one will believe me until they see me train, and, ultimately, see me pass through failures until I reach the end ahead of everyone else. The truth of my statement of success isn't legitimate until I prove it. Same philosophy applies to scripture. If I abandon Christ when the going gets rough, then I prove what I "believe" in: nothing. I'm just a joker who "believes" whatever he's told. However, if I choose to continue believing what I've believed for years, then I have an opportunity to increase my faith, and that belief I have becomes more obvious for other people.

Carrying on emotionally is a bit of a challenge for me. I'm not sure what's broken with me (aside from "a lot", I've known that....), but, emotions are strange to me. I can't remember the last time I cried. Not because I haven't gone through rough times, but because I lack either the knowledge of how to, or because there's this part of me that wants to be strong for others. Perhaps, it's even a combination of both of those. I will take this one day at a time, and pray that I don't get emotionally hammered, and feel awkward about the fact that I can't cry when that's all everyone else will do.

3) What do I do with the circumstances I've been placed in?

I'll be honest, these circumstances are not enjoyable. While I've not cried, I've been pretty down (still am). I have to make a choice, though, about how I'm going to react to my surroundings. I can choose to sulk, curl up, avoid everyone, curse God, and be selfish, or I can mourn, encourage others, be there for my family, glorify God, and point the attention to Him. Don't confuse sulking with mourning. By the word "sulk" I'm referring to complete and prolonged seclusion. Mourning is healthy and part of the healing process and should be done properly.

I've personally decided already that I need to glorify God and help others. I need to be there for my family and be the support that God allows me to be.

In conclusion, as promised, I'm going to finish with some more thankfulness.

I'm thankful for......

The man at the Labyrinth whose bubbly personality brought me a smile.

Grandma and Grandpa who, despite all they are going through are helping their family spiritually and emotionally.

The JCC board that, today, cancelled this month's board meeting, meaning I don't have to prepare a presentation.

Wyatt and Alyssa who went to the gym with me and helped me relax and think positively.

Mr. Graham who led Financial Peace University tonight to help out Dad.

The church who has already been so helpful and shown so much support.

Hosanna, who never ceases to pray for us as a family and has been willing to listen to my complaining.

God, who ultimately allowed all this to happen, who encouraged all the people on this list to do what they did, and for the strength he has given, and will continue to give.

All those out there praying for us as a family. The prayers are greatly appreciated.

Not my typical post in many regards, but, I have used my blog again to be able to sort out my thoughts. I feel more sure of my plans of what to do, how to cope, and how to be a blessing in this time. The title of this blog is "Writer's World", and it was inspired and brought to life by my books, the first of which is "Blessings in Disguise". I have written, still write, and will continue to write about the need to look for blessings hidden in our lives, and I will be trying to look for the blessings that will come of this tragedy.